Cousin Mars: How to Get Him Involved in Wedding Planning

Triple B's own Cousin Mars shares an honest male pov on getting grooms involved in wedding planning.

So, you’d like to know how to get him to participate more with the wedding planning. In order to accomplish this we must first attempt to understand his point of view. It should be safe to assume that you are extremely excited about beginning this new chapter in your life. A chapter that you might have dreamed of for many years. A chapter that, in a sense, ends life as you know it and allows you to begin a new life with your soul mate. Okay, back to him.

He realizes or thinks that you have all of the answers, but are just asking his opinion to be polite. In addition, what you’re viewing as the most romantic thing possible — stating your vows to the one you love — he is viewing as some scary ISH! No, not because he isn’t ready. Not because he doesn’t love you. Instead, it is because ever since he was 15 years-old the “Wedding Day” symbolized EXTREME RESPONSIBILITY. After “I Do” is said, a good man accepts that you two become a team. But please understand that he feels he is the LeBron or Kobe on this team. Yes, that means all of the pressure and blame if things aren’t always peachy (relationship, home, children, etc.). You didn’t cause this unnecessary stress…society did. It is worse if he hasn’t closely witnessed successful marriage. All of this simply means that he is as excited about marrying you as you are about him, BUT he isn’t nearly as fond of the ritual (Wedding Day) that begins this journey. So, you have two options:

Option A.  Make the necessary decisions and run them by your fiancé as they are made. This allows the two of you to act as if he is participating, but prevent any delays (which can be costly).

Option B.  Assign your fiancé only the tasks that he is willing to accept.

This is funny. I’ve just given you another decision to make. I’m sorry, but I know you’ve all heard sometimes it needs to get a little worse before it gets better. In this case, the two options are actually both pretty simple. Really, they are. The first option allows you to accept that you will plan your wedding day alone (well, just about alone). This should actually reduce future stress because you are no longer expecting your fiancé to change. To me, that is a minor burden added and a huge one lifted. Who wants to get pissed with the person they’re planning to spend the rest of their life with. The second option requires you to do a bit of thinking. I’ll help reduce the amount of thinking (or at least attempt to). Some tasks that I’ve found guys more willing to accept are as follows:

1. Honeymoon planning – But be sure to collectively discuss budget, duration, and accommodation expectations

2. Entertainment (Go DJ!) – But be sure that he is fully aware of the attendees and doesn’t focus solely on satisfying his music taste

3. Desserts – Believe it or not (and you probably don’t), there are many guys that would love to attend a few tastings and make a decision after satisfying their inner BIG BOY.

4. Photography / Videography – Confession! It may be obvious that we aren’t thrilled to plan what many men consider a day for the bride, but when we see our true love walking towards us all done up…yea, we melt. Some of us even release a few tears. Why not try to get him to choose those that will capture his last moments of being a pimp bachelor (just joking, ladies).

Please leave comments. Triple B will determine how useful and relevant my posts are based on your comments. Also, feel free to continue emailing post subject suggestions. Two of the next three posts were chosen from the emails received since the Introduction post.

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  1. Took the poll:
    Overseeing the budget and assuring vendors are paid maybe one of the first times a groom may have a lead role in finances (outside of dates…lol!!) in a relationship. Society has “groomed” men to focus on $ and for the bride to focus on the the dream of a special day.

  2. Cousin Mars, I like your sense of humor. The wedding planning tips for grooms are great but what I found even more eye-opening is that many men equate getting married to becoming the Lebron or Kobe of a team. WHOA! That is heavy. Someone could write a dissertation on that alone. Society has done such a job on all relationships; especially Black ones. No wonder so many men are scared to step up to the plate. Of course some of them are just triflin’, LOL! But anyways, I’m glad I have this perspective now.

  3. LeBron and Kobe? Word? That’s pretty funny because most women just want a man that will suit up and show up to the game when he says he will. Hell, he can be a bench warmer but if she knows he’s HER bench warmer, she’ll ride out for him. Yeah, most women go through a bad boy phase, a baller (or wanna-be baller phase) but by the time she’s 30, she’s really just looking for a dude that is committed and consistent. And attracted to of course. LOL I wonder how many men didn’t pop the question because they didn’t feel like they could be MVP…interesting.

  4. That’s good insight into the male psyche. I am not planning any events with my man at this time but, I think the principles extend into everyday relationship life. If I give him space to lead in a sphere of his natural interest, he will engage in the process. You’re doing a good job Cousin Mars.

  5. @ M.R. – Thanks, I appreciate your comment. Yes, unfortunately you are correct about some men.
    @ Rachel – Very funny…I’m still laughing at the “bench warmer” comment.
    @ Dylan & Ronda A – Thanks for commenting

  6. This post let’s me peek into the mind of a man. Maybe I can use this & future posts to allow better communication between my fiance & me. He has been great, but sometime it is clear that I’m from Venus & he’s from Mars.

  7. Cousin Mars, thank you. I’m looking forward to the next one. I honestly didn’t think I’d like a male p.o.v. So far, YOU WON!

  8. Cousin Mars, thanks for the tip. I’m just beginning to plan my wedding and truthfully I’m okay with my future husband NOT participating in the planning. I already have to try to incorporate my mother’s ideas. I’m fine with him just showing up, looking handsome, and saying I DO. So far he’s been okay with that, but after reading your post I think I should at least TRY to incorporate him in SOME of the decision making. It’s official, he can pick the DJ (I have confidence in his choice of music) and write the checks.

  9. Bridgette Bridgette says:

    WOO HOO! I’m excited Cousin Mars is getting so much love here on Triple B. Keep the comments/feedback coming b/c as he mentioned they greatly assist in finalizing post topics.

    @Nicole – You are hilarious. I hope that Triple B is proving to be a helpful resource for you as you plan your big day.


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