Wedding Etiquette 101

Triple B often preaches the value of adding individuality to one’s big day. Following a long list of outdated rules typically tends to lead to a (yawn) cookie-cutter wedding. But some rules or standards are simply no-brainers, like covering your mouth when you cough or sneeze. However yesterday my colleague told me a story that stopped me in my Nine West pumps…Y’all won’t believe this!

So said colleague (let’s call her Nicole) was invited to a string of bachelorette activities for an old buddy of hers from high school. These activities included dinner and drinks, a pole dancing class and a spa day. No biggie, right? I mean, these types of outings have become pretty standard for the modern bride. But — wait for it — Nicole was not invited to the wedding. Yikes! And when she mentioned this to the bride, the (lame) response she was given was, “Oh, something must have happened to one of my spreadsheets.” Ugh? Okay, mistakes do happen. Lord knows I’ve made them. But then she proceeded to text Nicole the wedding information a mere three days before her big day when the rest of her guests received paper invites in the mail two months prior. I’m no Emily Post but this story made me clutch my pearls.

Nicole feels nothing happened to any spreadsheets but that she was just omitted from being invited to the wedding for cost reasons. Which is fine. But funny how there was no mix-up with her invite to the events that caused her to spend money. The dinner, pole dancing class and spa day were all about $50 each per person. I agree with Nicole about there not really being a mix-up. It all just seems wrong. And tacky. And a little mean quite honestly. Why oh why would anyone invite someone to their bachelorette shindig(s) but not their actual wedding? (Of course there are exceptions but with those aside…)

What do you think? Sound off in the comments!

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  1. Tacky, tacky, TACKY! It’s a shame people just invite others to events for gifts these days. And how do you invite someone to your wedding in a text??!! Your friend Nicole shouldn’t have gone to the bachelorette stuff either.

  2. I feel for the benevolent friend who did go the bachelorette party.

    I think a better story would be that the friend already knew well in advance that she could not attend the wedding so the friend goes to the bachelorette party instead, to show love and support.

    Maybe the bride is running a crazy schedule, maybe she’s an ER surgeon or something? Did she not have time to send out another invitation or did she run out of them?? The texting bit, I’ll admit, is not very decorous. Is she more of the forgetful/disorganized type of gal?

  3. Avatar Really??? says:

    This happened to me recently… I believe I was invited to the bridal shower as an after thought. Because the bride is an acquaintance not my friend. So I would not have been offended if I wasn’t initially invited to the shower. The offense occurred when mutual friends & guests at the shower were like, “see you in a month”. Then I realized, hold up I was not formally invited to the wedding! Where does that happen??? How can one be invited to the shower & not the wedding, really?!?! I’m speechless…SMH

  4. This isn’t uncommon with guys. My husband has been to a few pre-wedding events without being invited to the actual weddings. He personally doesn’t mind. In fact, he may be happier he wasn’t expected to attend these weddings.

  5. Bridgette Bridgette says:

    Thanks for the honest feedback all. After posting this and giving it a couple days of thought, I realized something key I didn’t initially address. Most brides don’t plan their own bridal showers and bachelorette parties/weekends. So it is quite possible that whoever planned this bride’s bachelorette’s festivities assumed Nicole was invited to the wedding. (But we know what happens when we assume…) Now the whole texting wedding details to someone 3 days before your nuptials is still nuts but under extreme pressure we all do crazy things. At the end of the day, this was just a messy situation and a reminder that communication is paramount in wedding planning and maintaining friendships.

  6. While @S Tay is kind, I can speak as a surgeon and say that my job would never suffice as an excuse for a text-message-wedding invitation…especially if that person had come to celebrate me at pre-nuptial events and invested $ into those situations!

    Regardless of who planned the events, this is still not nice. When I have participated in the planning of bridal showers, we DID involve the bride so that we wouldn’t miss out on anyone she considered important. Each one cross-checked her wedding invite list and there was none of this kind of shenanigans. Maybe it’s because all of my girlfriends are Jamaican/Carib or have strong Southern roots. We were raised with a Code of conduct which family would never hesitate to ‘remind’ us of, should we ever transgress. I understand that it’s ‘her day’ but, a bride is also a kind of Grand Hostess-she delegates the details to others but, she remains responsible for the overall theme and ethos of the festivities.

  7. I’ve always read/heard that if you’re having an out of town wedding, it’s okay to invite people who aren’t invited to the wedding to the bachelorette. The only reason I know this is because the same thing happened to me and I was super offended and declined. Of course I looked it up afterwards to see if my outrage was warranted, LOL. I found that generally, if the wedding is out of town, it’s acceptable. I also read that it isn’t acceptable to invite someone to a bridal shower, but not the wedding, however (unless it’s something thrown by co-workers or some similar situation).

    Still, something sounds fishy about the situation described above. Especially since she followed up with a text invite 3 days prior to the wedding.

  8. A few years ago, a casual acquaintance sent me a personalized link to her registry about 2 weeks before the event but never invited me to the wedding. I would have understood not being invited to the reception (the costs) but the ceremony was being held at a very large church. I was torn about purchasing a gift but in the end decided not to. Since our friendship was too casual to have been invited to any events then it was too casual to be offended when I didn’t send a gift.

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