Today’s piece was submitted by Andrea Montgomery, a newlywed from Illinois who works in engineering. Andrea tied the knot this past summer — July to be exact — and wanted to share her recent discoveries with Triple B. (There she is in the above pic with her hubby on their big day.) I truly believe every relationship has it’s own DNA– what works for you might not work for me and vice versa. On that note, here’s what has worked/is working for Andrea:
Learn to Let Some Things Go
If you bring to his attention everything that bothers you and contest every decision he makes, you’re in for a frustrating relationship. Some people like to pick battles just to say they won. Nit picking creates an environment in your home filled with tension. No one wants to be around negativity. Argue about stuff that conflicts with your morals; serious issues of how you want to raise your kids, etc.
Marriage/Kids Never Make a Situation Better
Time and time again you hear people who are in bad relationships say “If we can just make it through the wedding or have this kid we will be better”. Huge life decisions force you to be a team, so if you guys never worked together in the first place why you would start after marriage or children? After the fanfare of a wedding or childbirth goes away and other people are not watching, couples go back to the state they were in before these decisions. Actually it [could be] be worst.
Lose the Selfish Talk
I think this is one of the main reasons relationships don’t work. It is hard to look at your words and actions from an objective view. We often tell the story to our friends in a manner that makes us look “right”. Are you willing to compromise on some issues?
Are Your Career Goals Aligned?
Ladies, this is an important question to ask. Many women say they want a family, but neither their mates nor they are in a position to spend quality time with a child. You don’t have to cut your dream, but you need a plan that is agreeable with your mate on how you will take care of your child. You can use nannies, but make sure your child is not being raised by one. Birthing a child is not the end of taking care of him/her; neither is providing food and clothes. There is a nurturing process that is vital to their success and emotional stability.
Talking to a Marriage Counselor Doesn’t Mean There’s a Problem
During the engagement period it was suggested to me by multiple people to see a marriage counselor. This was not because we had a horrible relationship that needed fixing before we walked down the aisle. We did already know some of the stuff we talked about with our counselor, but we also delved deeper at small stuff that could be big later. The sessions provided a safe environment. Blacks often stray from counseling, but don’t be fearful of the unknown.
Make Sure You Talk Finances
There’s nothing worse than blissfully going into marriage and then learning your mate has bad credit and now you’re hindered. It’s smart to determine who will handle the bank accounts, pay bills, etc. Understanding how a person views finances can save arguments in the future. You can also potentially learn things from the other person as long as you’re able to accept that your way is not always the best way.
What do you think of Andrea’s lessons? Sound off in the comments!