I had a completely different post scheduled for today. But when I received a link to this article from my cousin, I knew I had to share it in this week’s BPOTW. Said article from MSN delves into the topic of wedding costs, particularly costs of weddings for guests and especially attendants. Check out this snippet:
If you were thinking of inviting Marissa Anwar to your wedding, you might want to save the postage. She is not interested.
Nothing personal. It is just that the 29-year-old operations consultant from Waterloo, Ontario, is tapped out. Last year she attended six weddings — some of which actually had two ceremonies, because of different faiths involved — and was a bridesmaid three separate times.
It added up to spending $7,000 on everything from gifts to travel, from bridal showers to bachelorette parties. On top of the personal debt Anwar was trying to pay off, the mounting wedding costs made her feel like a hamster on a wheel.
And that was just as a guest. So she made the decision: no mas.
“It adds up really quickly,” says Anwar, who has turned down about five invites since instituting her no-go policy. “Girls can be very extravagant with their weddings, but not everyone can afford to drop a few hundred dollars as a wedding guest or a member of the bridal party multiple times a year. It’s just too much.”
Anwar is not alone in rejecting society’s expectation that you tick the “yes” box on all those wedding invites. In an era when young adults are loaded with record student debt and jobs for new graduates seem scarce, many invitees cannot sustain the financial burden of attending multiple weddings in quick succession.
I highly suggest you read the article in it’s entirety — it reveals some eye-opening information; especially for planning brides. My fiance and are ensuring (or trying to at least) that we keep costs for all of our guests to a minimum. For example, I’ve asked my bridal party to choose their own dresses and I plan to provide most if not all of their accessories. We’re also having our ceremony and reception in the same venue — which is in the center of town — so guests don’t have to rent cars. This is partly because we ourselves have financial goals beyond our wedding day that we hope to reach soon so we “get it.” Plus we’ve both been in several weddings and we know how the financial obligations add up as a bridesmaid or groomsman. I was quoted in this article after all.
Still, I couldn’t help but chuckle a bit while reading the article. It was another reminder that being a 30-something bride really does have benefits. If someone informs me that they can’t attend my wedding, I’m not slitting my wrist. Folks have to do what is best for them and their household. If you can’t afford to travel to my nuptials, attend my bachelorette party or bridal shower, buy me a gift — neither me nor my fiance are going to lose sleep. Hopefully we still have your love and support which is what we value most anyway. At some point we all have to decline attending an event, going on a trip, etc. because of finances. That is called being a grown-up and living within your means. The people that love you understand. However making gross generalizations about all weddings being a complete waste of money seems juvenile. Weddings — especially for those of the African diaspora — are typically a time to celebrate love and legacy that represent so much more than pomp and circumstance.
What say you? How would you react if a loved one told you that they weren’t attending your wedding because of costs? Sound off in the comments.
Because I’m in the process of planning my wedding now, I’m really seeing just how various costs add up quickly. As much as I want all of my guests to attend, if they are unable it will be unfortunate but ultimately it lowers me, family, and my fiance’s cost per plate. So while I will miss their presence, I will not be upset at all. Hey, whether you’re near or far, love is love!
Bridgette, you said it on being an ‘older bride’. I’m glad that most of my friends/prospective attendants are grown and established so that we can celebrate in style without generating a financial setback. I am, however, reminded to consider my less affluent family and make sure they feel included. I expect to keep some rental car location afloat with all of the travelers I am inviting but, I plan to offer multiple levels of hotels-boutique, moderate luxury and value. Personally, I love Hampton Inn and Courtyard since they’re relaxed and comfy.
I wonder if Miss Anwar thought to consider declining one (or more) of those invitations into a bridal party but attending as a guest and celebrating her friends that way?…She could have saved a good deal of money but still enjoyed the experience. I guess the power of ‘no, thank you’ is another advantage we 30-somethings have over the young ones!
@Essence – Love is love! <---YES! And as someone who is still trying to work miracles with her limited guest list and wedding budget, I echo your sentiments as well. I will allow myself a little more (just a lil') energy to think about it during the planning process but once that day comes, I'm not stressing about nary a guest list, plus one -- NADA! @Ronda - Mr. TK and I are currently researching/selecting hotel options for our out of town guests and hope to offer a spectrum as well. Thankfully that isn't too hard in the surrounding area of our venue. And although all of our close friends and attendants have established careers as 30-somethings at this point, many of them are new parents which of course is expensive and requires another layer of juggling. In fact one of my good girlfriends and her husband (who happen to be very comfortable financially) are expecting and have already informed us that they can't attend the wedding because by then she'll be in her ninth month of pregnancy and unable to fly. Mr. TK and I are bummed because we were looking forward to them being a part of our wedding weekend but we know we'll have other times (God willing) to celebrate with them. No love lost.
I totally understand Ms. Anwar’s plight. Today there is such an emphasis on luxury and extravagance. Some can afford it and some are willing to “finance it.” Those of us that can’t afford it decide whether or not to participate. It is no reflection on the affection we have. It is about priorities and comfort levels. We can convey best wishes in other ways than attending an event.
@SD – I agree w/ you to a point. Many of the sentiments portrayed in the MSN article (not sure if you read it in full) still seem juvenile. The last quote of the piece: “Weddings are the worst events imaginable. I don’t want to subject myself to one boring event after another.” Really? If anyone on my guest list feels that way about witnessing my union, I don’t think I want them there anyway. Furthermore, priorities are relative. I’m sure there is someone who will deem the wedding I’m planning as extravagant — especially those who don’t realize how frugal and resourceful my fiance and I can be. However they might not be aware that I lost my father at 14 so I learned at a young age how important it is to enjoy and celebrate with loved ones while we are able because when we’re more financially “ready”, some of those loved ones might be gone. My brother and I planned a 65th bday celebration for my mom a few years back and it was a bit of a pinch for my bro (a fairly new dad) at the time. We stretched ourselves and sacrificed to pull it off. That party was the last time we ever saw a beloved cousin who flew to the gathering from Chicago b/c she passed away less than a year later. Your point about $$$ not reflecting affection and there being other ways to convey best wishes rather than attending an event is one thing (and we’re def on the same page there) but completely poo-pooing someone else’s joyous life-changing event because of your own financial/lifestyle situation is another.
Absolutely. It’s good to invite people who you want to actually come to the wedding. But, for any who can’t, take it in stride knowing they still love you but just can’t make it. As we have seen from last week’s couples, the best days should be AFTER, rather than only on the wedding day. I’m sure that your pal with the growing family will be happy to share a private visit with you and yours later on.
Best wishes to all- brides, grooms, guests and decliners alike.
I agree with your point. I’m in the process of planning my wedding and the costs definitely add up. If someone can’t attend because of financial obligations I totally understand and would never make a person feel guilty for not attending my wedding. I was the clueless guest who attended weddings but never understood the details and the actual costs behind the event. A wedding can be extremely costly as we know, so if I guest can’t afford to attend, I’m okay with that! I’m definitely not your traditional fairy tale bride and not into the pomp and circumstance of it all! What’s important on that day is that your closest family and friends are there to celebrate this next chapter in your life and the guests who could not attend are happy for you during this joyous occasion. :)
@Yairi37 – Well, I’m a bridal blogger with much more knowledge about wedding planning than the average bride and even I have had a couple of what the *%#$ enlightening moments. There’s emotion involved when you’re planning your wedding that just doesn’t exist otherwise. And I cosign on your points about costs/guests. I think guests that RSVP yes and then don’t attend (w/o a reasonable excuse) are much more likely to annoy the couple then those that send regrets before the nuptials.
Being a woman older than most on this post, I chose not to have bridesmaids or groomsmen. I will have my sister as my maid of honor and wear a dress within my color scheme but one she likes and can wear again. My fiance will have his two grown sons by his side, and they will probably wear a dark suit (or Tux if that’s what he wants them to wear). At this time in our lives (over 45 yrs old), we want people to enjoy our wedding and celebrate our joy and not go broke in the process!
I have more relatives that live in the midwest and west coast, so I don’t expect most of them to make it (even though I asked them to start saving now!) If they cannot make it, they can celebrate with us via Facebook pictures and a video we’ll post on UTube.
The wedding will be a serious ceremony but the reception will be a pure PARTY! We want our family and friends to feel our love and enjoy themselves!