Although I rarely delve into my personal bidness here on Triple B, I felt the need to address something that often becomes an issue when wedding planning. That issue is the dreaded plus-one quandary. As if fine tuning guest lists isn’t complicated enough, there’s an added amount of pressure surrounding which guests should or shouldn’t get a plus one. Ultimately this is a decision the marrying couple (or whoever is footing the bill) makes but I also think those expecting an automatic plus one should take an honest look at their own “relationship” before assuming.
Tradition suggests all wedding guests over age 21 be allowed to bring a date. Most modern couples understandably break this rule due to costs. The majority of us do agree that couples, married or not, in seemingly committed relationships should be invited to weddings and other social functions together. But those on again, off again, I’m not really sure what we are this month and therefore our friends and family are confused too situations can put all involved in an awkward predicament. I know this all too well.
My own road to Mrs. has been a bumpy one with lots of twists and turns. Example? My fiance was actually in the wedding of a close friend a few years back and …wait for it… I was not invited. This was the cause of many an argument but ultimately the wedding came and went and I didn’t attend. I ended up being out of town for said nuptials but it remained a sore spot for us. It is important to mention that this was a pretty large affair by most standards with nearly 300 guests. In a word, I was pissed. This was a hurtful reminder of where our relationship stood. I was not in the exclusive partnership I wanted to be in and I barely knew the couple. When a man is head over heels in love he typically can’t wait to introduce his beloved to his crew. I was in denial. Blame it on being young and dumb, blinded by infatuation, insert another negative adjective here but that situation — along with a few other “How did I miss that?!” moments — was the wake-up call I needed.
Moral of the story? My issue of not being invited to this wedding was not with the couple saying I Do but rather with my then on again, off again boyfriend. When the tone of a relationship is set, those around usually take heed and this applies to weddings as well. Now that we’re planning our own wedding, Mr. TK and I tried to respect those established relationships of our loved ones, and our budget, as much as possible when creating our guest list. What a difference a few years can make, huh?
Oh and if you’re concerned about the stability of Mr. TK and I’s current relationship based on the above story, you should probably channel that concern toward something else. What we have is still far from perfect but it is ours. We’re constantly evolving and no, we don’t get invited to weddings, birthday parties or housewarmings solo anymore. We’ve grown so much. Hopefully my vulnerability in this post will help someone else whether a nearlywed or a wedding guest.
I love your honesty! My own relationship as had it’s own twists and turns and we both are to blame..but we are on the right page now. People don’t know what you have to go through to get to happy. But in the end, when you both grow up it’s all worth it.
@Danielle – Thanks for the love. I almost didn’t post this but the topic kept coming up so I knew it was relevant. “People don’t know what you have to go through to get to happy.” <---- So true.
Allow me to “chime in” as the professional wedding planner.
I always, always, ALWAYS counsel my clients about this very issue. And here’s my take:
1) If they are married – THEY get an invite {whether you like the spouse or not}
2) If they are engaged – THEY get an invite {^^same thing applies}
3) If they are in a SERIOUS relationship {i.e. you KNOW they are boyfriend/girlfriend} – see #1 & #2
4) If they’re just “kickin it” with someone {no committment} – NO PLUS ONE
It slays me when I hear people say, “But I NEED to bring a date because I won’t know anyone/will be lonely”. ‘Chile, please….take a couple of seats over there ——>. A wedding is this amazing configuration of people who have a CONNECTION not only to the couple, but to the other guests. If you are inviting people to your nuptials that you don’t know…we have a problem!
Money is always a factor. And you need to spend it WISELY. Better to have a guest list of 75, have an amazing celebration, feel the love of others who love the BOTH of you…and not be in the poorhouse after said nuptials.
And….you’ll still be able to “like” the people you invited to the wedding. Yeah…that too.
@Linnyette – You know I always appreciate your frankness! Thanks for stopping by and lending your expertise to Triple B today.
Oh and I feel compelled to add that happiness begins within; trite but true. Seeking validation from others (including a significant other) in order to achieve so-called happiness doesn’t seem to work for most and definitely never worked for me. I lived and learned. As I approach the next chapter in my life as a wife, I’m thankful for all my learning experiences. How did a post about wedding guest plus-ones turn into a therapy session?! LOL
Over 70 years old but still learning! LOL. Enjoyed the wedding guess plus one and the therapy session.
@Anon – Happy to know Triple B brought you a little laughter and enlightenment today!
I’m with Linnyette Richardson-Hall! That is exactly what I did…How could I forgo inviting someone I actually know to invite your plus one that I don’t know…It just makes sense…
So, how would you all handle this unpleasant twist: You’re close to both halves of a couple, ie they are like additional parents and care for you like their own kid. They break up due to infidelity. The ‘cheater’ then marries the ‘jump-off’ (for the older set, jump-off= the person s/he was cheating with). Are you obligated to invite this new ‘spouse’? I have at least 2 instances of this shenanigans on my list. I want my “Uncle” at my nuptials but am not at all interested in his newest wife…
I welcome opinions but know that, in the end, Beau & I will have to sort it out…
@Jackie – Thx for the feedback!
@Ronda – Whew. This is a tough one. Unfortunately in your case, I think you should extend the invitation to the new spouse as well. It isn’t our place to judge who our loved ones marry and regardless of how f***ed up the circumstances are — your Uncle’s wife is his wife. Period. If you’re concerned about the ex-wife and the new mistress turned wife crossing paths at your reception, make sure a trusted member of your bridal party, a hostess or your planner if you’re having one is aware of the situation and keeps them as far away from each other as possible. But you know I’m a big proponent in couples doing what works best for them so as you mentioned, ultimately you and your Beau should figure this out yourselves.
Thanks, B, for posting this. I’m not engaged (yet), but related on a few levels, including the “ah ha” moment you get when not invited to some event. I often feel alone in the “twists and turns” category, but we’re working it out. Thanks for the therapy. :)
@Heather – You’re so welcome! Thanks for commenting. xo
@Linnyette Richardson-Hall that was nicely said planning a wedding is hard enough but having strangers there and you are paying a whole lot of money per plate that said stranger would never get isn’t going to happen. People including our bridal party will not be running around trying to “find” a date so as to not come solo…with all the spirits, music and fun you may possibly find a date at the wedding haha. @Bridgette thank you so much for touching on this subject and giving us your opinion.