Your honey popped the question so you’re ready to start planning your wedding. Sure you understand the marriage is bigger than the wedding — Duh! You love your future spouse and have no doubts that he (or she) is who you want to say “I Do” to during that ceremony you have already begun meticulously planning.
After the bridal dust has settled and the honeymoon is (literally) over, the marriage begins. Even couples who live together before jumping the broom are likely to experience “growing pains” after their nuptials. Asking yourself the below questions then discussing your honest answers to those questions with your partner while still engaged is wise and will help you gain a better sense of self.
Full Confession: I asked myself some but not all of these questions before getting hitched. Ladies, listen to your gut. No matter how much you love your boo thang, don’t be afraid to postpone those wedding bells until you and yours are on the same page about the matters you both care about most. Remember: Marriage planning will always trump wedding planning.
1. Will you try having children together and, if so, how will you raise them? Are you okay being a stay-at-home mom? How long after tying the knot do you want to explore parenthood? Is there a particular faith/religion you are adamant about raising a child in? Are you open to adoption/surrogacy/artificial insemination? Are you both okay if you’re not able to have children? If you will be a blended family, have you discussed how to ensure all children involved feel as loved and inclusive as possible?
2. How will you manage your finances? What individual assets and debts will you bring to the marriage? Have you exchanged credit scores and reports? What large purchases have you made in the past with an ex and have those matters been resolved? Is his car in his mama’s name? How important is maintaining a nest egg?
3. Do you have expectations about sex? How will you keep your sex life from getting boring? How will you share sexual fantasies and desires? Do you have any boundaries when it comes to intimacy?
4. Where and how will you live? Are you willing to relocate for a job? Is your future spouse? Is it important for you to live close to family? Will you own or rent? Are you both willing to adjust your living situation for the benefit of an ailing parent? Is living without a pet a deal-breaker for either of you?
5. Have you shared your personal life goals? Have you always wanted to open a cupcake biz? Does your sweetie desire to go back to school for his MBA? Discuss how these goals will effect your marriage so one of you doesn’t end up resenting the other, i.e.: “We could have purchased our dream home years ago but we keep putting it off because he’s in school.”
BONUS: What does your ideal marriage and spouse look and act like and how realistic is that? Remember, the marriages we observed during our formative years play a big role in our expectations as adults.
Even after asking these questions, remember every married couple’s vows are tested. Every. Single. One. Even couples with stellar communication skills aren’t exempt. No amount of list-making or even pre-marital counseling can truly prepare a couple for the ups and downs of married life. And that unpredictability is part of the beauty of this here marriage thing!
What are your thoughts on the above list? Do you think most couples plan for their marriage as much as they do their wedding?
Excellent insight!
Funny how the pink & fluffy or controversial posts get a bunch of comments but something like this doesn’t. The whole point of a wedding is to get and STAY married. It baffles me how many people get married to someone and they don’t know their fiancé’s credit score or they barely know his/her kid. Kudos to BBB covering all the sides of weddings and marriage not jst the cute stuff.
Another excellent post!
@Briana-the pink & fluffy seems to get all the attention in real life. Maybe it serves as an easy distraction. It retards progress. I guess that’s the master plan. It’s working.
Yes, we planned for the wedding and the marriage…very necessary post :)
Pleased to read the feedback on this post. Keep it coming, folks!
I’m repeating what has already been said but “Excellent Post!” For you not yet marrieds out there, whether engaged or dating with a purpose, don’t you dare walk down the aisle without answering the above questions. In fact, they should be put in a spreadsheet format so that you can check off the date that you discussed and the additional questions/comments that each generated. I am serious.
Keep up the good work.