I often check out other wedding-related content on the Web as research for BlackBridalBliss.com. A couple weeks back I stumbled across an article aimed at planning brides on a site I happen to be quite fond of and thought it could be beneficial to my audience as well. Thankfully I read the piece in it’s entirety before sharing it. The married author of said article shared her four rarely-told (her description, not mine) wedding tips and the second one made me come to a screeching halt:
Anticipate that you may lose some friends.
A harsh reality of becoming a bride is that you likely have single girlfriends who don’t foresee marriage in their immediate future. This makes some very jealous and unfortunately, your friendship may suffer for it. A month before my wedding, my former best friend of 14 years flat out told me she was jealous (yes, she actually said “I am jealous”) of my quote/unquote “perfect life” and told me I was going to have to find another maid of honor; she wanted to be happy for me, but she just couldn’t do it.
Huh?! I have so many issues with this, I almost don’t know where to begin. (Long before I started Triple B, I wrote this post on my People.Places.Things blog following my good friend Mo’s wedding.) The fact that a woman is dispelling this type of information as “expertise” to other women is baffling. Just the idea of married women and non-married women being pitted against each other in any capacity is sickening. Obviously the friendship she highlights was strained way before she started planning her trip down the aisle. Can you honestly imagine reading such an article from a man to other men? But, the fact of the matter is we don’t always agree and this author certainly has a right to her opinion as I have a right to mine. So below are the BlackBridalBliss.com tips for planning brides with single girlfriends:
- You’re getting married, not everyone in your circle. Deciding that you want to commit your life to someone is a monumental, life-changing experience that should be celebrated. Hopefully the people you call “friends” will share in your joy and want to celebrate your union as well. But they have their own relationships, families, careers and social lives to maintain in the meantime. Don’t take every unanswered email, text or phone call as an act of “jealously”, your friends might just have a (gasp!) life.
- Not all women want to be married. Newsflash: For a myriad of reasons, many non-married women aren’t ready to say “I Do”. I know countless women who are focused on their careers (especially in the Northeast U.S. where women of all races tend to tie the knot later than other parts of the country), focused on their personal growth and not quite ready to take on the responsibilities that come with being a wife. And — clutch your pearls — they may never choose to take that plunge. So don’t assume that every non-married female in your life is secretly imagining herself wearing your engagement ring.
- You may have some jealous folks in your life who throw you shade during the planning process, but don’t assume that they will be single. While reading the comments on this author’s blog post, a few women actually agreed with her about jealous friends. But those same commenters also pointed out that their “haters” were wives. How telling. This proves what newlywed BBT profoundly pointed out on Twitter while we discussed this topic, “Planning brides should be aware of miserable people whether they are married, single or in a relationship — jealously is not confined to single women.”
- Your relationships with your single friends of both sexes will evolve. I’m single and have never been married but many of both my male and female friends are now hitched. Honestly, our friendships have changed. My married girlfriends have to check with their husbands before they agree to a girlfriend’s getaway to Miami (just as their husbands would do with them). I don’t call or text my male married friends late at night as I might have when they were single because I find that disrespectful to their wives. There is no love lost; folks grow up and out. Hopefully your true friendships will grow along with you.
This is a situation where I think the sage saying is true, “If you’re constantly looking for something, you’re going to find it.” To automatically assume your non-married girlfriends are going to become green-eyed monsters once you decide to jump the broom is pretty depressing. Weren’t these same girlfriends cheering for you when you walked across that stage to pick up your degree? Didn’t they scream to the top of their lungs when you got that long-overdue promotion at work? Did they not comfort you when your grandmother passed away? Okay then. Act accordingly.
What do you think of the other blogger’s advice concerning brides and single girlfriends? Do you agree? Why or why not? Sound off, folks!
Hey Bridgette!
Thank you for this…I just wanted to point out there that unfortunately, jealousy is a prevailing factor amongst us black women – in EVERY aspect of our lives. We all have those insecure “friends” that put on a mask of confidence yet are miserable on the inside, and are not really happy for your relationship, your career, or even your other friendships. You know the old adage “misery loves company”…this reigns very true. This is why I know who I can spill everything out to and who I need to tread carefully with. Not everyone has your best intentions at heart – men and women alike.
As a recently married woman, I both agree and disagree with you on this. (And you should link back to the original post so folks can read the article in its entirely.)
I agree that planning brides need to be aware of people in general who don’t mean their engagement/marriage relationship any good, male/female, married, attached or single.
But do I think it’s necessarily divisive for the author to specially indicate that the relationship that is most likely to suffer is between a engaged woman and her single friend?? No, not at all. Our closest friendships are with our girlfriends so to ignore that fact is ill-advised. And I’m not a statisician but I’ve heard of too many anecdotal accounts of girlfriends going left on brides. What I’ve heard about the most is the friend withdrawing themselves from the friendship. Perhaps the brides were a bit overboard in their excitement but then a true friend is going to be able to check her friend on that. Being an older bride myself, I was PARTICULARLY sensitive to my single friends and often asked my bridal party to let me know if I was getting out of hand with my bridal chatter. But nothing hurts you to the core like calling a CLOSE friend to share that you’ve gotten engaged, only to be fussed at for not being included when you got engaged, when you as the bride didn’t even know it was going to happen. And the congrats were then given begrudgingly after that.
So yes, I think it’s prudent to mention that some friends might not be all that happy for you because I didn’t think that it would happen to me. And even though I’ve made several efforts to keep reaching out to this particular friend, even before and after my marriage, that relationship won’t ever be the same. I’ve finally made my peace with it.
@ Drena – Thx for the comment. I agree that you can’t share everything with everyone. And I totally agree that misery loves company. What I don’t agree with that misery will always be single and married will always be supportive. As far as Black women being more jealous of each other than women of other races…I can’t say yea or nay. I probably would have agreed with you on that 2 years ago but now I’m not sure as my social circles and life experiences have broadened.
@ Tiffany – Thx for your comment as well. I did not link to the article for a very specific reason and while doing so would have probably given Triple B readers more context, I sincerely tried to objectively give them the full scope of the blog post in question. I would be curious to know whether your non-statistical research of girlfriends going left on brides showed that all of said girlfriends were single. Furthermore, what happened to you as a planning bride is unfortunate but still not a reason to make or even co-sign blanket statements about all non-married women as I pointed out in bullet #3.
Look, I realize we don’t live in LaLa land. Sometimes people and specifically women become jealous of one another. My point is this: One shouldn’t be surprised if the “friend” who threw you shade when you purchased your condo, took that 10-day shopping trip to Paris or even started dating your fiance seriously isn’t jumping up for joy when you announce you’re going to be a Mrs. You saw her colors long before you slipped that ring on your finger and said yes. And if you didn’t you might be in denial. One also shouldn’t be surprised if that same shady “friend” is already a Mrs. herself. She could be jealous that your wedding is going to be more lavish than hers was. Your single girlfriends just might be the ones to go above and beyond for your big day. Isn’t it just safer (and more blissful) to go into the wedding planning process with a clear mind and not make gross generalizations?
Great article! I especially like the part about jealousy not being confined to “single” people. There are a ton of “us” with lives & we don’t necessarily want ” yours”! Everyone should practice being ” happy in there own skin” & more importantly remember to surround yourself w/ those that feel the same way…. We were blessed with this thing called intuition-use it! I have a great group of friends & this article really makes me realize how fortunate I am! We love ” Black Love”! ;)
I’m enjoying reading this debate girl. Glad you decided to write the post to spark it up. :-)
I have to agree with the article. My “best” friend who I have known for nearly 15 years was not happy for me at all when I got engaged, and subsequently when I got married. When I called her over the phone to tell her I was engaged, there was an awkward silence and a very stern “congratulations” (no exclamation at all). When I met up with her a few days later she did not ask anything at all about my engagement, how did he do it, let me see your ring, so what are your plans? Nothing, it was as if it had never happened. I got married 2 years after my engagement and I asked her to be a bridesmaid (not maid of honor…I knew our friendship had not been the same since before the engagement, we had drifted apart after going away for college and I had been dating my husband throughout college). At first she said yes, and a couple of days later she said she would feel more “comfortable” going as a regular guest. More “comfortable”? Mind you, I only had my bridesmaids buy the dress (which was off the rack, and it fit all of them perfectly, didn’t have to make any adjustments), wear silver heels, or flats, or sandals, whatever they were comfortable in, and have their hair pulled back and most importantly…show up and walk the aisle. That’s it! I took care of everything else! They had it very easy, and very low stress. So I was not demanding much of them. Her excuse was that “the color of the dress…it’s just not me…” And she made very snyde comments whenever I would talk about my wedding planning like …”don’t worry…I won’t disappoint you as a guest…I will dress up to your expectations…Oh! And I won’t wear white! No upstaging the bride!” As if she had never been to a wedding or had no idea how to dress? Really? No, she is not that stupid. Our friendship had been affected ever since I started dating my husband and she had remained single. The wedding part just sent her over the edge. Also, I would like to comment that don’t necessarily have to postpone your career to get married, or vice-versa. I got married at 22 ( I am turning 24 this year) and I am going to my third year of medical school, and I have done it all while being married (no kids though, but people in my class are doing it!). Now, every time that we talk, she makes a mean remark insinuating that my life is practically over because I’m married! Life does change after you’re married, but it’s not over! Especially if you are still in your early 20’s! I can enjoy being married because I am young, I don’t have the pressure of having to get pregnant right away, I am working on my career and will finish still relatively young and have enough time to fulfill many of my other goals before I hit my 30’s. My life is just beginning, it is far from being over! But, I have lost a friend in the process. And I have to live with that. The conclusion I have come to after this is that, family are the only people who will genuinely be happy for you, and be by your side when you need them.
When I got married in my late 30s, I discovered that many people can be jealous of the bride. Not just single women friends, but some of my married friends did not want to “share” me with my husband. They felt threatened by the fact I was getting married.
The fact is, when you get married, certain people will come out of the woodwork to attack you. They could be single, divorced or married. The one thing they have in common is jealousy of someone else’s newfound happiness.
Let’s be honest. sometimes a bride’s friends withdrawal while she’s planning her wedding not because of jealously but because she’s being a complete beyotch. Have you never watched bridezillas?? Just because you’re getting married and “it’s just SO stressful planning a wedding!!” does not mean you get to take it out on everyone else and think the world now revolves around you.
Had a friend who survived leukemia and was told she’d never have children at 25. We were both invited to be part of a mutual friends wedding and when my friend who was told she couldn’t have children found out she was pregnant – and due just weeks before the wedding – the brides reaction? She went on a tirade about how she had to find a new bridesmaid and reconfigure the wedding party and why didn’t she tell me they were trying to have a baby? WTF??
Now I’m not saying there are not some people in the world who are jealous of other’s happiness. But some brides need to check themselves and drop the sense of entitlement.
LOL, I’m rereading this post for the first time since getting married and I still feel the same way. Funny thing is I was in fact disappointed by a few girlfriends while I was wedding planning but the writing was realistically on the wall before I got engaged. And a couple of my single girlfriends truly went above and beyond for me. Discernment is golden.
Would having an affair with your best friends’ husband then marrying him be considered jealousy?
I believe any friend of a woman who begins sleeping with her best friend’s future husband is the most envious, back-stabbing snake of a female. There are others words to describe these females (and the “men”) but I won’t post them. Anyway, these two women had been friends since forever. The friend was the mald of honor and sleeping with the groom before years before the wedding. I can only imagine what emotions the wife went through when she found out about her husband’s and best friend’s betrayal.
And for them to eventually get married. The groom said that should have married the friend in the first place! ALL women should set some boundaries concerning situations such as this. Ya know, a woman DOES NOT have to prove to ANY man that she’s all woman or that she’s sexy or that she must be hot stuff. It’s not necessary for a woman to sleep with her friends’ man because she’s single and lonely and he’s a handsome/desirable man.
Matter of fact, it DOES NOT prove she’s a woman. It really proves that she’s a piece of a board who’s only function in (her) life is to lay her back.