Recently my fiance and I spent the weekend out of town and had the opportunity to catch up with old friends. Ironically, our time was split almost in half between married friends and single amigos. We had a great time from beginning to end. I’d like to think Mr. TK and I are pretty discerning when it comes to our friendships and we greatly value all of them — those who have already said “I Do” or not. However, some people claim we should begin thinking otherwise.
Yes, there are some people that think once you become a wife or husband you should limit your time with those still living the single life. While no one has told me this personally (yet), I have heard both men and women alike express this sentiment more than a few times. It seems so unfortunate when society pits married and single people against each other. I don’t think Black people need any more division as it is… Truthfully, some of the wisest people I know aren’t married. By the same token, I know a few married folks who you couldn’t pay me to spend my free time with — okay you’d have to pay me a lot! You get my point.
One caveat: I do feel that once a person decides to spend the rest of their life with someone, priorities begin to shift. This obviously plays a role in friendships and those that share the same covenant with their partner might be more likely to understand these priority shifts more than others. However, as a rule I think generalizations are usually a recipe for disaster. Everyone doesn’t value the institution of marriage — or friendship — the same way.
What do you say? Once a couple weds, should they limit their interaction with single friends? Does this happen organically? Sound off in the comments please!
I think every couple is different. But I agree with u that you cannot judge every married person the same just like you can’t judge very single person the same.
Thx for the feedback, BMore C!
I feel true friendships are priceless. The relationship will adjust accordingly. Married couples can have single friends or unwed couples and be healthy. Your true friends will respect your new life style. It’s up to the married couple to set the rules if you will. Socialization is important and when you have the same circle it will be fun. Most of time when someone has an issue with single people its because 1st their not friends with their spouse 2nd they feel insecure 3rd they probably don’t have a social circle. There is nothing wrong with having gatherings, girls nite, or guys nite. Remember to respect the marriage and your friends will too.
Mahogany
“Remember to respect the marriage and your friends will too.” <---THIS! Doing the slow clap right now. Thank you so much for this insightful comment, Mahogany.
I certainly think that every relationship is different, however I’d say probably more often than not marriages take a beating from single friends. In truth we see it all time where there are those who don’t value the institution of marriage or from those who don’t share the same beliefs about marriage. I’ll tell you that because of profession as I spend a great deal of time speaking with married women regarding their relationships they all have some interesting stories that include mishaps, disruption, and discord from both single and married people alike. As a newlywed I find that the perspectives of those around you can be totally different from what you EXPECTED them to be. You’ll find that jealousy and a simple lack of respect will begin to surface. I believe personally that your circle does change when you get married and those who don’t necessarily have the same outlook on marriage weed themselves out of your life. I like to think that it is true that “like spirits” recognize each other, the same will happen with married or single friendships.
Thanks for weighing in, PPP. While I don’t necessarily agree, Triple B is a safe place for us to have intelligent, thought-provoking dialogue concerning Black women, marriage and all things bridal-related. Keep the comments coming folks!
People are people and friends are friends and friendships don’t have an expiration date. Once you’re married you shouldn’t throw away your single friends like you would expired milk. But, because of different lifestyles and priorities after marriage you will probably find it will be more fulfillying hanging out with your married friends than your single friends more often because you’ll have something in common that you will be able to relate to like Married Matters. You’ll find some friends will become indifferent anyway. PPP sumed it up so nicely.
People should not be judged according to their marital status…that being said, whenever you are trying to achieve any goal, it helps to have peers on the same journey so it makes sense to spend time with people who are trying to achieve your same goals…one of those areas may be marital bliss but another area may be financial stability and a single person may be the best person in your circle for that goal…
As the absolute last of the un-married AND childless among all of my close girlfriends, I have tried to support them in their marriage and parenting walks. We share ideas about marriage and I know that there are times for friends and times for spouse. I never ‘pop-in’ without calling/texting out of respect for their homes.
I think the main question is: why are you “friends” with someone who doesn’t share/respect your idea of marriage and/or respect your space? Even friends need to know when to hold their peace when something has been decided between spouses. I feel badly for you, PPP that people have started acting funny on you so I encourage you to stay focused on the positive and yes, it will all shake out. But, new/soon to be brides should also check our own necks about how we may be talking to our single friends- are you dismissing their life concerns as ‘petty’ or complaining about your man to a lady who hasn’t found hers yet? No, she may not be the most sympathetic ear. Everyone in a friendship should seek to be kind and loving; then, one can look for the same in return.
@Ronda – “New/soon to be brides should also check our own necks about how we may be talking to our single friends- are you dismissing their life concerns as ‘petty’ or complaining about your man to a lady who hasn’t found hers yet? No, she may not be the most sympathetic ear. Everyone in a friendship should seek to be kind and loving; then, one can look for the same in return.” <----Yep. Thank you for the reminder I think we all need.
This also seems like a time when the sage advice, “People come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime…” might have to be applied.
I think keeping your single friends is important. I was the first out of my friends to get married, so if I had said “adios” to all of my single girlfriends, I would have been one lonely chick! Ha ha.
I still believe that all friendships are valuable and I would never diss my single friends just because I so happened to be married. Although most of my friends are married now, I still love hanging out with my single girlfriends. Sure our ‘dates’ are more planned now and less spontaneous, but we still have our time together and I greatly value those friendships!
@Erika – Many thanks for weighing in on this hot topic!
In my opinion a true friend is a true friend and is not defined by their relationship status. I think friendship and regulation are two different things. It is my belief that the person you marry should be your best friend and that friendship supersedes all friendships. In my personal marriage, we have learned to look to each other for all our needs. I say all that to say that the term friend takes on new meaning once married as it should and true friends respect and accept this. They may not understand or can relate but they respect and accept. LOL
@Brandon – Thanks so much for weighing in; always refreshing to have a male pov in the comments here at Triple B.
We have single and married friends, and it hasn’t been a problem. Mr. Williams and I put each other first, so friends don’t come between us. Our single friends are are very respectful of our marriage, so they haven’t put us in difficult situations.
Don’t rule out a friend just because she’s not married. My married girlfriends’ husbands sometimes express concern about them going out with me. Ironically, their wives are the ones who “turn up” on girls’ night out (sleep with other men, talk to ex-husbands on the phone, let men dance provocatively with them, get drunk or smoke cigarettes/weed). I don’t do any of those things. I’m the one who takes keys or serves as the designated driver. I tell them to go home. When one girlfriend suspected her husband of cheating, I advised her to think twice before confronting him with flimsy evidence. When she put him on blast in social media, I privately messaged her not to put their business in the street.
We’re all college-educated, professional women who live middle class lives. I don’t visit their homes or spend time around their husbands other than a courteous hello if I do see them because I don’t think it’s necessary to be their husbands’ friend, too. Because I respect the institution of marriage, I have no desire to be married. I do, however, encourage my married friends to make the best decisions for their marriages. My singleness doesn’t disqualify me from supporting their marriages. Ultimately, they must make the best choices for their marriage. If leaving me behind is what’s best (as one friend did although she reaches when she needs something from me), so be it.
Thanks for weighing in MsLisa! Happy to see this post is still resonating with folks.