Last week the Internet went batch crazy over a recent survey conducted by The Knot. And the hoopla is still going. The results of said survey indicate than an increasing percentage of heterosexual women are splitting the cost of their engagement rings with their mates. Female respondents reported putting money down on their own ring to help out a less financially stable partner, paying for a ring with a joint account, or, in a few cases, agreeing to contribute in exchange for a larger rock.
Social media is still having a field day with the results of this survey and women who choose to contribute to the cost of their engagement rings are being called everything from desperate to pathetic. One popular blogger and friend to Triple B didn’t hold back on Instagram when she posted, “Say what? Put my own ring on it? I don’t think so!” Others (appearing to be the minority) argue that the tradition of a man spending a hefty amount of his earnings on an engagement ring are silly and archaic. Check out what one writer from The Slate shared on the sensitive topic:
It’s high time to end the tradition of the engagement ring, along with other wedding rituals that are built on the assumption that a bride is dependent and virginal. The entire discourse about women having to “snag” a husband and obtain expensive totems of his commitment to hold him in place before the actual wedding is offensive to both genders. Women provide for themselves now. Instead of hanging onto these sexist, retrograde wedding traditions, why not make up some new ones that reflect our modern era?
What are your thoughts? Does the idea of a woman splitting the cost of her engagement ring seem practical in 2013 — especially if the couple has already merged their finances — or should certain traditions simply be left alone? If a man cannot afford to pay for the engagement ring of your dreams does that indicate he can’t afford to be your husband? Sound off (and don’t hold back)!
WTF! 2013 be damned! I REFUSE to pay for my OWN engagement ring. Any man who isn’t disciplined enough to save, or doesn’t care enough to save, the funds needed to buy a halfway decent engagement ring for the woman he wants to be his wife isn’t ready to be married. PERIOD.
I ain’t holding back ISH! I’m with Katrina. If you can’t afford the ring, you definitely can’t afford to be my husband. GTFOH Where they do that at?
I personally agree that if you want the ring of your dreams and the man of your dreams cant afford the entire cost, I would not be opposed to sharing the cost. I have a friend who completely purchased her own ring, I wouldn’t go that far. I believe that the cost of a ring or his ability to afford the ring of your dreams does not determine how much he deserves to be your husband. There are plenty of cheating, abusive, crazy husbands who rightfully paid the entire cost of the ring.
I think that you know your relationship and should do what is best for your situation. But, as she is marrying the man of her dreams and you are still clutching your standards at night, we will see who is more happy.
Under most circumstances, I don’t think either person should purchase their ring. There are several circumstances where I would fully understand someone purchasing their ring. In my opinion, each purchaser should be honest about what they are able to afford at the time of purchase. If the receiver and the giver aren’t on the same page, problems are likely to arise. I’d be wary of anyone that equates the cost of a ring with the level of love by their significant other.
It don’t mean a thing, if you (the man) don’t pay for that ring…Do wop. Do wop. Do wop…posted to the tune of “It Don’t Mean a Thing (If it don’t have that swing)” LOL….
Thanks for weighing in, all!
While it is archaic to think of brides as ‘dependent and virginal’, I don’t think we should throw the baby out with the bathwater and dispense with the entire tradition.
We should ask Cousin Mars: Does the act of saving for, selecting, and presenting a token of affection serve some ritual purpose for the male psyche? Do you (yes, you represent all men for this one) consider it a rite of passage which signals your true readiness to committ to life-partnership? Or is it just a waste of time & money?
Personally, I did not and would not have contributed to the engagement ring I was gifted. Is it the exact one I would have selected?- no. Is it beautiful and reflective of my beau’s creativity and sense of style?- yes. Do I love it?- absolutely. More importantly, do I love Him?- without doubt.
Hmmm, I am a traditionalist but I also have to be realistic with the circumstances life has dealt me. My beau was all ready to pay for my engagement ring until I was laid off my job. He helped pay my rent and utilities, buy food, and fix my car – basically whatever I needed done to keep me above water and to keep from going crazy while I looked for another job. It proved to me he is a provider, nurturer and the man I desired and prayed to God for. I did find the ring that I wanted and it is in layaway, but taking care of my NOW is more important than having a ring. I must admit I told him when I start making money, I would be wiling to make a few payment on the ring, considering all he has been and is doing for me over the last two years. He was not totally comfortable with it but because he knew how much I liked the ring and did not want to loose it, he said okay (although I have not put any money down on it – he still does it).
The fact is my man is being a MAN – taking care of the most important matters in life – my well being. This is the true meaning of love (for better or for worse). With this economy money is short and relationships are tested. I wonder how many woman who received a big rock or ring of their dreams would be there for their man if the money got funny!???
Life’s experiences will give you a different perspective on relationships and a better grip on life!
@Ronda – If Bridgette gives the okay, you may get the requested post this month or next. I like that you’re interested in a male’s p.o.v. on this subject.
@Carla – Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you have a good man. It is great that you value what he has done and will do for the woman he loves. I hope he stops by for FINAL FRIDAYS w/ COUSIN MARS.
My view on this subject – without writing an entire post – is people should do what works for them. This has very little to do with what someone is financially comfortable with, but more about what their individual relationship represents. I agree with @Shawn – couples should be on the same page. Discussions should be had prior to ring shopping. The wealthiest couple may not be interested in the most expensive stone. Often the story behind the ring is more valuable than the ring itself.
Loving this exchange! @Carla and Ronda – I appreciate your honesty. Keep it going, folks. @Mars – You got it, cuz. ;-)
The problem is that women have this fairy tale fantasy that rarely ever happens. I never had any dream wedding, man, or ring. When I met my fiance’ I had no check list. We were just meant to be. When he proposed it was impromptu. We had talked about it a lot, but had decided it wasn’t time, because of money, getting our careers started, a bigger apartment, getting a master degree. One day weeks before my 25th he woke up and said forget it. He went out and got a ring in his budget. That is a real man. My ring might not be thousands of dollars, but it is my ring. It fits me and it is symbol that I am moving to up a level in my relationship. Instead of faking like we have more money than we do currently he made do. When people see my ring they love it. It doesn’t look like your typical engagement ring. In the end I know my future husband picked this out for me. That makes me feel more special. I also decided that I would never ask him to upgrade the ring later. If he wants to he will, but I do not think it is my place to take his manhood away. If a man loves you he already wants to give you the world without you asking for it everyday anyway. I a women who love to have nice things and I can mention them from time to time, but I am not in a relationship for money, but love. Shut your trap and be humble. Let a man be a man. A woman who pays for a ring is just saying that nothing is going to stop her from getting what she wants. Even if that means stomping on a man’s ego. Where is the real excitement when he proposes if you paid for half of the ring. A real man should never even let this happen anyway. I have a true 50/50 partnership and I can be a feminist and a super duper independent woman. BUT even I know that sometimes a woman should be a woman and a man should be a man.
The ring is a symbol that the man presents to his woman that she is to wear proudly as symbol that she is “spoken for”. This is only a symbol and by no means a reflection of the realness of the relationship or a status symbol; however, if the woman pays or “goes dutch” it negates what the ring represents. Furthermore, if he cannot afford the ring she may want, then she should be more than happy and willing to accept the one he can afford. We all want that 3+ carat on our finger, but a marriage is not about the ring! With that said, when the woman purchases the ring or “goes dutch” it shows where the emphasis of the value of the marriage really lies (in my opinion) which should definitely not be in the ring!
I’m a traditional girl trying to live in a modern world. I’m sorry, but I’m not contributing to something that’s supposed to represent my man’s love & devotion to our relationship. Yes, it may be true that my dream ring might not be in the affordable range, but he shouldn’t kill himself trying to buy it either. There’s levels to this ish! LOL! But in all seriousness, I’m willing to compromise on a ring that fits within his budget, with the knowledge that I’ll be able to upgrade my ring as our marriage progresses
In regard to the topic of a woman helping pay for her engagement ring, that is something that I am totally against. I believe that the ”old” tradition of the man buying the ring she still prevail. If the man can’t afford the ring that the female desires, the female should look beyond that and appreciate the fact that the gentleman thinks highly enough of her to ask for her hand in marriage. When the couple has been married for awhile, been through good times and bad times, made it to the 10, 25, 50 year mark, then if financially sound an upgrade can be made.
I so love when the Triple B comments get like this. I might not agree with all of the above but I appreciate each of your sharing your pov. Thanks for stopping by!